Anxieties leading up to birth of second baby and Valentines gifts.

I'll tell yous what, dudes; yoga school is some good stuff.

If you're in the Philadelphia region- I implore you to check out YogaLife in Devon, PA- be it for teacher training or just for weekly classes; they are awesome. I've had countless experiences where the course material applies directly to my life- and my needs. I suppose that's what any good therapy does. I've had countless amazing self-realizations and the best part about them? Self realizations promote the most lasting change.

This weekend was my last teacher training seminar. We were doing a listening exercise. When you listen to someone, and really listen, you're giving them a gift. They feel loved. They feel heard.

We were paired up and had to play one of two roles- the talker or the listener- and then switch. The listener had to do two things- 1. keep quiet. 2. pose questions to clarify what the talker was referring to. The talker- come up with a problem and be guided through the experience.

I was the talker first, the listener second. This is a challenging exercise because as the listener wants to empathize with the talker- to share an experience, or to "make" the talker feel better by doing something. My teacher explained to us when we do this- we're not really listening- we're not really doing anything for our talker. When we do this, we're actually talking about ourselves- becoming the talker- and that shifts the focus back to us, when it's our friend is the one who has the problem. This makes us feel better by telling them how to fix their problem- but usually doesn't fix their problem. And it usually doesn't make them feel better.

When we actually listen- and not talk- they can fix their own problem by coming to the solution on their own. We'll naturally become closer.

So that was a challenge. And just in time for Valentines, folks. Go and listen to your significant other or a friend as a REAL gift.

BUT! Guess what I found out by being the talker, dudes? I'm really scared to give birth again! Let me explain...a little set up before I describe my experience as the talker:

First, I'm not shaking in my boots scared but I'm nervous.

Maksim's birth did not go as I "planned" it. Truth be told, why should it have gone that way? I didn't plan anything. My birth plan said: go with the flow and Todd will announce the gender.

I'm nothing if not thorough (insert HTML code for sarcasm font.)

For those of you who are new, my first experience went like this:

Awesome gestation- only 28 pounds gained, very active throughout. No morning sickness, no headaches. Only minor pubic synthesis. No big.

...and the actual labor and delivery? Not the worst, but not what I wanted. Wanted: a natural delivery in the birthing center coached through by my loving TBone.

Got: a delivery in the hospital across the street from the birth center after I failed to progress because of a slow slope, a chord around BB's neck, meconium in the waters, an epidural, and some of those things were likely because I was too sedentary in the center before the transfer (read: paralyzed from the pain/fear of contractions with no progress.)

The past two weeks or so there have been little milestones I've needed to get past before I was "allowed" to have the baby- finish yoga school (almost check), finish teaching my last yoga session at school (check), Todd coming home from Florida (check.) I joked that I'd be allowed to deliver on February 12th.

Ok, enough set up- so back to the "talker" exercise.

My question/problem:

ME: I've been experiencing anxiety and chest pains from time to time. Sometimes breathing exercises help, sometimes they don't.

Partner Dave: When does this happen?

M: usually when I get in the car, sometimes when Maksi is on broken record mode. (pause...thinking.)

PD: looking at me silently and smiling, sees that I'm thinking/processing

M: these are two stressful times for me when I'm trying to control things.

PD: you mentioned being in control. is that something that's important to you?

M: I'd love to say no, but I think it is. I know there are times of high stress for me- getting Maksim into the car and when he's on repeat mode. I'm not in my best shape to handle carrying a toddler to the car and "controlling" a toddler is like herding cats.

PD: are there other times when you don't feel in control when the anxiety happens?

M: ooooh! good question! Hmm. Well, I don't feel in control of  my body at all right now...I'm starting to have flash forwards and flash backs of child birth, last time didn't go how I planned at all. OHMYGOODNESS! I'm scared to do this again and I haven't dealt with my last experience.

And since then, I've been dealing with it. I don't think I ever actually processed the last experience. Sure, I've talked about it, but I don't think I've actually told anyone that I was disappointed with myself. I know, I know, healthy baby. We're all supposed to believe that if we have a healthy baby, the means justified the ends. But I don't feel that way- and I'd like to be better.

I don't think it's too much to have my spinach brownies and eat them too.

So, I've been talking with TBone and prepping a real birth plan- things to say, things to do to get me up to walk around, get on the birthing stool, the ball, get in the tub, massage my back/arms/ego. Journaling that some things (meconium in the fluid, chords around necks) are completely out of my control. Other things (getting up, walking, telling Todd what I want, my reaction, etc) ARE within my control.

I feel better- still a little apprehensive- since I'm starting to play everyone's favorite game: Labor or Gas?

But again- better.

Thanks for reading. Happy birthing. And Valentines day.